I’m so #SorryNotSorry– The Benefits of Being Unapologetic

Don't drown yourself with apologies

Don't drown yourself with apologies

From the day you learned to speak, your parents probably engrained into your mind the need to say “I’m sorry” for any wrong doings. We’re raised to apologize for anything for which we might have the slightest degree of blame.

What if I told you that being overly apologetic can ultimately make you less appealing to women, compromise your individuality, and lead to a lack of respect from your friends and peers?  I’m sorry(not sorry), but it’s the truth!

Now, I’m not suggesting you go around wreaking havoc on your relationships like a jerk. If you truly do something bad, man up and apologize genuinely. The danger lies in the smaller apologies that happen on a day-to-day basis.

Here’s an example. You’re having a debate with one of your friends. You say something that crosses the line of their political beliefs and they push back on your logic. You cave and say, “I’m sorry. You’re probably right about that. I hadn’t thought about it that way.” Even though you still firmly believe your initial point of view.

Maybe your shy or don’t like being impolite or just want to blend in with the rest of the crowd. I’ve certainly struggled with this through much of my life.  

Up until the last year or so, I’ve embodied the typical “Nice Guy” mentality. A people pleaser. Telling people what they want to hear. Acting like a chameleon, adapting my opinion and perspectives based on your audience and situation. So, I was typically the first to apologize and back down if there was ever any contradiction in philosophies.

The huge problem here is that you lose your sense of self. Without conviction, you have no point of view. If you’re constantly bending your opinions in fear that you might upset others and it will change their perspective of you, then you become a byproduct of the people you surround yourself with, losing your own identity.

Apologizing is a way to seek out validation and approval. Don’t apologize for what you believe in. You don’t need to over rationalize your thoughts or actions to other people.

As long as you are comfortable with yourself and maintain a general level of compassionate empathy towards others, just do what you do.

Once you love and respect yourself and stop seeking validation, you won’t care what others think which is a truly liberating feeling for someone who has previously built their sense of self around how others perceive them.

At the same time you have to show respect. Unapologetically conveying your thoughts without due respect for others’ opinion just makes you an asshole. It’s okay to agree to disagree. Conviction, empathy, and compassion…these are the concepts to embrace.

The point is that no matter where you stand, and stand there. Don’t try to hard to bring the other person to your point of view and to the contrary, don’t allow yourself to be persuaded beyond your own beliefs without good reason.

Ultimately you have start by accepting and loving yourself. If you’re constantly trying to be something that you’re not, that will never be attainable. Know yourself. Be authentic.

You’re not going to please everyone, and that’s okay. You might be referred to as stubborn or single-minded.  A lot of times when that happens, it’s emblematic of others fearing your confidence and conviction.

On the flip side, many people you encounter will love your unapologetic approach to life. Women are more attracted to individuality, conviction, and a strong sense of self. Guys will respect you more for not being a pushover. People will understand who you are and what you stand for.

So, try this. Strike the words “I’m sorry” from your vocabulary for the next 48 hours. Unless you truly screw up in a most obvious way, just don’t say that phrase.

Don’t be a jerk but don’t be overly apologetic to seek validation. Over time it will build your conviction, confidence, and strengthen your sense of individuality.

I’m sorry if you feel differently…wait…no I’m not!

This post originally appeared on Good Men Project