Pump the brakes - 4 Signs She's not Ready for a Relationship

Stars may align, but the time may not be right...

Stars may align, but the time may not be right...

When you think about it, the odds are against us to fall in love in the perfect hopeless romantic sense. You have to balance personal compatibility, sexual attraction, common interests, and arguably most importantly, position in your life trajectory.

No matter how compatible you are physically and emotionally, if one of you isn’t in the right place, it’s not going to work out in the long run.

And since knowing if your partner is or isn’t ready for a relationship with you is just about the most important question you’ll ever have to answer, I’m going to make this quick.

As a divorced bro in my early thirties now on the market for a little over a year after moving on from my ex, I’ve dated women I’ve connected with who clearly weren’t ready for something longer term.

What I’ve learned through that experience is that it’s critical to be aware of the warning signs of unreadiness so you don’t get emotionally drawn into a relationship that isn’t built to last.

Particularly when you emerge from a breakup or divorce, your brain starts craving the connection that your companion once provided. The love that you felt creates a surge of dopamine that gives you that “lovers’ high.”

When sobriety after love takes over, you may be more inclined to rush into a similar companionship. You have to take the right steps to be sure 1) that you get right with yourself first before seeking to fill the void through another, and 2) that you don’t want to go too far down the rabbit hole with somebody who simply won’t work out with you over the long term. Here are four ways to sniff out if she’s not ready to take the plunge.

She’s wishy washy - She can’t make up her mind whether she wants to be with you or not. She may be into you one second and then pull back into the distance a moment later. This push-me, pull-me engagement is likely indicative of inner turmoil she is feeling and a good sign she’s not ready to give herself to you fully. And you don’t want anything less than 100%

Communication is a one-way street - When it comes to reaching out to set up a date or a call to see how each other’s day went, you find yourself constantly in the driver’s seat. If she’s not putting in the effort to proactively reciprocate in communication, the games have gone too far.

Avoids “the Talk” - She constantly avoids the DTR (Determining the Relationship) talk when you bring it up. If she’s always delaying the inevitable of figuring out where you guys are headed, she’s likely not ready to advance to the next stage.

Leans on you too much - On the flip side, if she’s too overly involved and places too much emphasis on your relationship (known as a “stage-five clinger” in the parlance of Wedding Crashers), she may be seeking to fill a void in herself instead of fulfill her role in a relationship with you. Like you, she needs to be fulfilled with self-love and independence before diving into a relationship, and the insecurity of a clinger is a clear sign she’s not ready to participate fully in a partnership with you.

You deserve a partner who is as into you as you are into her. Even if you find that amazing girl who seems perfect in every way, keep an eye out for these four signs so you don’t get too involved in a relationship that has the potential to hurt you.

So what can you do if you still think she’s the one? Give her space. As cliché as it may sound, set it free and if it was meant to be, karma will have a way of bringing her back to you.

Just don’t give in to a situation where you settle for someone who isn’t ready to give herself fully to you. Focus on enjoying time on your own doing activities that make you happy, and other prime candidates will come along … they always do.

Originally published at the Good Men Project